I'm Not Crazy, Just Moldy
I thought I lost my mind in 2016, but turns out 2018 was the worst year so far.
After pulling myself out of what felt like mud full of glass, life finally feels clearer, calmer and definitely more doable.
It has been a fuck ton of work and I set so many things on fire along the way, but I’ve learned so much about mental health, anxiety and depression, movement, conscious cannabis consumption and moreover, myself.
It has certainly been one of those experiences that you hate every moment while it’s happening, but are so grateful for on the other side if you can see the lessons through the struggles.
Just like my divorce.
I thought that was when I hit my lowest point - flipping the table on the reality I once knew and starting anew.
While that was necessary and my mental health certainly wasn’t in the strongest place it had ever been, it wasn’t in the weakest either.
Circumstantially, things were getting so much better.
My freelance career was getting stronger and more lucrative.
My social circle was expanding and diversifying.
And I found a human that finally really felt like “my human”.
And yet I was more anxious, depressed and self destructive than I had ever been as a conscious adult.
I had a lot of curveballs thrown my way I kept blaming it on.
I was handed lots of life-long labels including bipolar and EDS.
All my grandparents started dying.
I was hard core abusing cannabis and food.
And a bunch of other shit I’m sure I don’t remember because I did my absolute best to smoke myself into a coma so I wouldn’t.
Looks like that worked.
So why wasn’t I happy?
Why was I self-sabotaging my start at success?
Why was I suicidal?
I looked at all of the above factors and blamed them and allowed myself to get worse because that’s way easier than getting better.
And then eventually I had a few seriously strong friends suggest to me that maybe I should cut the shit, shut down the pity party and fucking focus.
We always want soft talks and constant coddling when we’re suffering, but that doesn’t mean it’s what we need.
I had that, and I’m so grateful for it.
But I’m also grateful for the individuals who had the courage to be brutally honest with me.
You helped me save my own life.
And so I set off to deal with my fuckery: mentally, physically and emotionally.
But before that, I capped off my breakdown with a manic move - moving while manic.
I gave up my apartment and decided to co-habitate with my co-worker/assistant/human whose role in my life is still evolving.
I thought I needed a constant companion (aka babysitter) in order to heal.
That lasted about 5 minutes before we both realized what a tremendous mistake we both made and then started the work to undo our mess.
But the process of moving did provide some clarity and even through the new chaos brought on by transition, calm started to come in.
I thought it was circumstantial and I’m sure some of it was.
But turns out, a lot of it was environmental.
And not just “these walls make me think bad things” but “these walls are doing bad things”.
Upon starting to work with my naturopath, she suggested a mycotoxin test. And so I spent a few hundred dollars to take a container of my frozen piss to FedEx and send it internationally.
Turns out to be one of the better weirder choices I’ve made.
The results came back overwhelmingly positive - which is not positive.
This moldy mother fucker can cause chronic inflammation (which I already had), reduced dopamine levels (which I already had), kidney issues (which I already had) and an increased risk of Alzheimers (which I already had).
It fucks with your brain’s ability to brain and your detoxifiers abilities to detoxify.
So when my shaky system doubled down on those already weak points, the whole thing just came crashing down.
Did mold make me lose my mind?
No. I had so much shadow work to do surrounding my family, my ex, my behaviours, my habits, my health and my ideals it was bound to happen. But it made it a fuck ton harder to function while I was doing that.
Is mold making you lose your mind?
Probably not, but mycotoxins can be fucking with your framework on a very serious level.
And mold. is. everywhere.
That shit you see in your shower from time to time is just the surface shit. It’s like acne - what shows up on your skin is a symptom of a much deeper problem.
If your skin sucks, it’s actually your gut that sucks.
Stop buying creams and stop eating gluten.
I promise; diet > dermatology.
The outside is a reflection of the inside.