Broken Wings and Broken Buttholes

Sobriety.jpg

Based on the apparent lack of fucks surrounding my online existence, it may surprise you (or not because you've never wondered) I am a highly sensitive person.

"...to what?"

Mainly gluten. Partially dairy. But primarily fuckwads. 

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I wish that was correct, but it couldn't be farther from the truth. This is much closer

But the anxious narcissist that also puppets my problems tells me there's almost no chance you will click that link, so here is a definition:

What is an empath?

Empathy is when we reach our hearts out to others and put ourselves in their shoes. Empaths are people who’re high on the empathic spectrum and actually feel what is happening in others in their own bodies. As a result, empaths can have incredible compassion for people—but they often get exhausted from feeling “too much” unless they develop strategies to safeguard their sensitivities and develop healthy boundaries (Understanding The Science Behind Empathy and Empaths, Orloff, 2017). *

*MLA will never go away. Did you just dry heave? Did you really think I would say "reach our hearts out?"

And here are the tentpoles of empaths presented in the internet's favourite way of skimming information; a numbered list:

5 Facts (that I'm still fact checking) about Empaths

1. The Mirror Neuron System

Researchers have discovered a specialized group of brain cells that are responsible for compassion. These cells enable everyone to mirror emotions, to share another person’s pain, fear, or joy. Empaths are thought to have hyper-responsive mirror neurons & therefore deeply resonate with other people’s feelings because mirror neurons are triggered by outside events. 

2. Electromagnetic Fields

The brain and the heart generate electromagnetic fields & these fields are thought to transmit information about people’s thoughts and emotions. Empaths are particularly sensitive to this input and tend to become overwhelmed by it because they have stronger physical and emotional responses to changes in the electromagnetic fields of the earth and sun. Empaths know well that what happens to the earth and sun (ie: seasonal affective disorder) affects state of mind and energy. 

3. Emotional Contagion

People pick up on the emotions of those around them. Empaths in particular. This one isn't rocket science, just regular science. Or psychology. Or maybe neurology. I'm the head case, not the head doctor.  

4. Increased Dopamine Sensitivity

Introverted empaths tend to have a higher sensitivity to dopamine than extroverts. They need less dopamine to feel happy, which could explain why they are more content with alone time, reading, and meditation and need less external stimulation from parties and other large social gatherings. If you've ever been to my apartment, you would understand this first hand. If you've never been to my apartment, it's because I experience this first hand. 

5. Synesthesia

Synesthesia is a neurological condition in which two different senses are paired in the brain. For instance, you see colours when you hear a piece of music or you taste words. With mirror-touch synesthesia, people can actually feel the emotions and sensations of others in their own bodies as if these were their own. 

"...that sounds hokey."

And maybe it is. But when the hypothetical super power game is played, nobody picks "being able to make strangers reflect on their sense of self (aka "cry")" and even though I'm not entirely sure how an empath and a narcissist could exist in the same host, here I am. 

Full of under-filled glasses and self-proclaimed certainty they are the correct ones for you. 

"...wut?"

I CAN SEE YOUR SOUL AND IT'S FUCKED.

"witch?"

I wish. I tried. Settled for Photoshop. 

Teri Hofford was the first human that suggested to me my general ambivalence and hatred of humans could actually be due to the fact that I care about people so much I force myself not to care as a method of self care.

"Who cares?"

ME! A FUCK TON. 

Which is why the current state of the planet make me want to stay inside, eat chips and only watch content from before August 2001. 

I would do that regardless, because of 'facts' 1, 3 & 4. But the urge is certainly stronger. 

"and this is related to angered anuses..."

Loosely. Pun intended. Click achieved. Context coming:

For someone who prays (to a higher power she doesn't believe in) to be barren, I've had a lot of dependants. Only one legally, but many socially and emotionally.  And while all have been older than myself, some still involved cleaning up human waste. Mainly Topher's.

Brief Backstory: 

Once upon a time my eyebrows were way worse and I earned the moniker "scoldy" because I aggressively attempted to aid in the success of my then-boyfriend's band, which lead to intermittently housing the lead singer/fellow narcissist/self-proclaimed "pretty lady" alcoholic comedian, Topher Harrison. His family says more than I ever could.

Topher and I connected on many creatively confused & comedically cynical levels. In one really fucked up show of faith and misguided masochism, I attempted to force him to function by filming him for my final thesis. I graduated top of my class. Further proof that I've always been closer to concerning than conservative (and that post-secondary is just a capitalist cash grab).

But beyond the broken butt-holes was a broken boy with big baggage. The addiction was dark and deep and lead to so much hurt, loss, confrontation and confusion - as addiction almost always does.

The narcissistic empath in me thought I could help fix it and make him famous. The pessimist in me didn't know if he'd live long enough for either. 

But today his dreams are not broken, his butthole is no longer my business and December 11th marks five years of sobriety. It feels oddly bittersweet that there won't be anymore "drunk calls from Topher", but it makes my control-freak circulation machine very happy that there doesn't need to be. 

Congratulations you crazy clusterfuck - you made it out with all your fingers and we made it to mediocrity & eBaums world.

Taylor Oakes