Today is World Suicide Prevention day and like a true narcissist, I've found a way to make that about myself.
A fragment of my deeply buried sense of humanity: I will not normally feel the need to provide a disclaimer for myself, except for now. Mental health issues are so grotesquely miscommunicated, misdiagnosed and mistreated. They are real, they are intense and they are so widespread. While I thankfully have never personally felt to be a danger to myself, I have had many friends and family members who cannot say the same. And unfortunately a few who went from being their danger to their own demise. Now I see how that creates an infinite ripple effect across those left alive. We are all riding the struggle bus together, some just have a longer, bumpier ride ahead than others. But we need to stop trying to assign seats and just sit the fuck down and help each other hold on.
Seeking help is not defeat. Admitting our weaknesses as humans only affords us the opportunity to strengthen and grow.
Life is fucked. But never hopeless.
This year has been day after day of intense change and progress that manages to be simultaneously exciting and terrifying.
For the first time in almost a decade I've been struggling with anxiety. Irrational, unrelenting, chest compressing uncertainty.
As a result I've been personally, physically, emotionally and socially destructive.
I will get through it because I have before, because I have to now and because, above all, I want to.
But I won't today and I have to accept that as being okay.
And in the mean time I'll continue to pace around my apartment naked and feel some slight sense of obscure relief through vanity.